story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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