I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
