If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
