I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
