u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
