I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
