I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
