went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
