Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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