On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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