I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
