Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
