2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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