so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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