my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
