somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
