YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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