I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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