apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So squirting runs in the family.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
