dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my shit smells like andre
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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