I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
