i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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