I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
