Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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