My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she looked like the before picture.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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