pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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