is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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