she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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