Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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