Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
