Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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