im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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