we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
