i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
