he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
