Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
