Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
