My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
