Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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