Your mouth is God's brothel.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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