3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
