Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
