apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
