6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
