I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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