An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The best revenge is premature balding
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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