obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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