I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Also, beer. Big fan.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
