Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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