I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
false alarm. still invincible.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I currently don't understand fingers.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
