Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
