Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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